SUICIDAL IDEATION - CAN YOU IMAGINE?

 

Can you imagine what it is like living with suicidal ideation almost daily for seven years straight? Maybe longer? Nearly every day, fighting thoughts of suicide in your mind? Can you imagine going to weekly therapy all of this time, an important lifeline and help, yet still the thoughts remain?

Can you imagine some days having to use your safety plan because it is so present, so overwhelming, so intense? All of the tools you have, all that you know does nothing for you or makes it worse? Powerless. Afraid. Alone. Can you imagine wondering how your mind could ever conceive such horrible things? You? How? Why?

Can you imagine as all of this is going on, somehow, somewhere you sense that the truth is you really want to live, and still the thoughts continue overriding what you know deep in your soul?  

Can you imagine your pain and how your mind cannot take it anymore? Can you imagine that your mind sees death as the only way to get out of the pain? That it cannot see any other options? 

Can you imagine that it is not about not wanting to live, it is about feeling trapped, trapped in the pain? Can you imagine the living hell this all is?

Can you imagine your children witnessing such desperation? Can you imagine being aware of what this is doing to your children yet you are powerless? Can you imagine trying to hide it from them but they know something is wrong, something they do not understand? Can you imagine witnessing them witness you in such a state? Can you again imagine the living hell this is?

Can you imagine that secrecy and isolation make it worse? Can you imagine that secrecy and isolation is exactly what you want in spite of that truth? 

Can you imagine the shame you feel? Can you imagine how embarrassed you are and how weak and broken you feel? Can you imagine seeing this constant battle as evidence that you are indeed bad, faithless and pitiful? Can you imagine your pride keeping you from telling anyone? 

Can you imagine having enough experience now to know the best thing to do is the hardest thing? 

Can you imagine that your greatest fear is the answer?  Can you imagine that reaching out and sharing your truth, your thoughts in those moments takes the power away from it?

Can you imagine how hard it is to employ that safety plan in that state of mind and reach out and tell someone what is going on in your mind? Can you imagine how hard it is to find a safe person to share that with? 

Can you imagine the relief telling someone safe gives you, even as the thoughts continue to go through your mind over and over while wondering how can you live like this any longer? Telling someone safe? Saying it out loud? Can you imagine that being the key?  

Can you imagine that even if that does not take it right away, it begins to shrink? Someone knows. Some one who sits with you in the darkness so that you are not alone. Someone who helps you bear the pain and ease the struggle without judgment? Can you imagine the difference that makes? Can you imagine sunlight breaking though the dark and ominous clouds?

Can you imagine the intensity finally passing? It could be hours, it could be days, but finally it passes. Can you imagine how that feels? Can you imagine the relief you feel? Wonderful relief!

Can you imagine what comes next? 

Can you imagine the grief and hopelessness that follows an episode like that? Can you imagine how it feels to get to that point again? Can you imagine how keenly you feel the loss of self, of thriving, of hopes and dreams?

Can you imagine how embarrassed you are that people saw you like that? Can you imagine not ever wanting to see them again? Ever? Even your safe person?

Can you imagine the deep ache and sorrow in your soul, knowing how desperate you became, how close you came and how your mind could actually conceive such things, desire such things? Can you imagine living the paradox of relief and grief at the same time? 

Can you imagine trying to figure out who this person is that you have become and how you got there? Can you imagine living life wondering when it will happen again? 

Can you imagine that safe person sitting with you now in your grief? Sometimes the grief and sorrow lasting for days or weeks, sometimes less? 

Can you imagine that though you never wanted to see them again, it is simultaneously healing? Can you imagine them validating your pain and experience? Who does that? 

Can you imagine them seeing you, yes YOU, not the pathetic person you feel like? Can you imagine them believing in you still? Can you imagine how comforting that is?

Can you imagine them telling you that you are strong when you feel so weak? Can you imagine your confusion at this while at the same time knowing somewhere inside you that they speak truth? Can you imagine leaning on those words, that truth, as you work out the paradox you are living? 

Can you imagine their belief in you seeping into you, knowing that you can trust them? Can you imagine how hard won that trust was? 

Can you imagine wondering just exactly how you feel better and how they helped you see, helped you find hope and helped you to believe that things can and will get better so long as you keep doing the hard work of healing?

Can you imagine the power of having that safe person or people in your life? 

Can you imagine how empowering it is to begin to see some truths again? Can you imagine your focus changing from what happened to finding strength in being a survivor of that awful pain and hell?

Can you imagine such a shift? 

Can you imagine seeing growth and healing each time you come through? Can you imagine the gratitude you feel for having this safe person in your life? Can you imagine greater ability to act? Can you imagine it still being extremely hard, yet easier?  

Can you imagine that sometimes it does not feel easier? Can you imagine sometimes you feel more discouraged and more desperate? 

Can you imagine going back to your norm of near daily suicidal ideation, the one without the same intensity and desperation and resulting grief yet still those thoughts roll around your mind? 

Can you imagine this cycle over and over and over, day after day, year after year? 

Can you imagine accepting this is part of your life right now? Accepting it even as you continue the work of healing and hope, because that is who you are and what you do? You get back up and carry on. Can you imagine your children witnessing that kind of resilience? 

Can imagine this being your life?

Can you imagine not having to imagine this because this IS your reality?

A NEW REALITY

Now, can you imagine one day it is suddenly all gone? Just gone. Can you imagine that it is not immediately obvious, but soon you become aware that you have not had that battle, those thoughts for some time? 

Can you imagine how life changes without that constant battle? Can you imagine what that feels like? 

Can you imagine the liberation?  Can you imagine how astonishing this difference is?  Can you imagine that you feel like you are in some kind of dream? But it is not.

Can you imagine how unfamiliar, yet wonderful it feels. Can you imagine not remembering what life is like living without it?  It is better than you ever imagined it could be!

Can you imagine that there are no words to describe this new life? Can you imagine such beauty, such light, such peace, such joy, such freedom? 

Can you imagine a picture saying more than any words can say? 

Can you understand why I chose the picture at the beginning of this post? Can you hear what it is has to say? 

Are you wondering how this change ever took place after so long?

Can you imagine finally finding this new tool?

Ketamine, injected intramuscularly twice a week at first, then once a week, took it away. It took away that awful hell.

Spravato, esketamine, inhaled through the nose weekly keeps it away. 

Miracle is the only word that makes sense of this. You can call it science. I call it a miracle.

When nothing else worked after so many years, finally, you find relief from a carefully and responsibly administered psychedelic medication that does not just treat suicidal ideation, it heals the brain and mind.

Can you imagine that?

This is what I experienced. All of it. I know the realities, the fighting to overcome, the desperation, the hell, the discouragement, the hopelessness, the battle mostly faced alone, the vulnerability of reaching out and the importance of it. I know there is hope.

If you are struggling with suicidal ideation or have suicidal thoughts, know that you are not alone. Know that there is no shame in it. Know that there is help and hope. You do not need to walk this alone.

Tell someone about it. Do it! Do not give it power by keeping it to yourself. Instead, telling someone safe and talking about it will diminish its power and increase yours. If there is no one you want to share with right now, call the suicide hotline and speak with a stranger that listens, that cares. Many times they were my helpers. They were the ones that led me to safe ground.  

Create a safety plan and use it. As part of that plan you will find helpers who are caring, nonjudgmental, safe and willing. As I have pointed out in another post, Mr. Roger's mom was right. When you look for the helpers, you will find them. They are out there. The safety plan is more comprehensive than a list of people to call, though that is very important. 

A safety plan helps you recognize early warning signs and to take action. When you are in a place where your logical mind is shut down, or shutting down, you have a place to go to turn to that has been thought out, put into place and guides you personally through that rocky time whether that is something you can do for yourself that grounds you and helps you or helps you to reach out and find help when it has progressed. 

Find a professional, licensed therapist that you can connect with. The right therapist will be a safe person that will aide you in many various way as needed. You will find a listener, empathy, skills to cope and tools use. He/she will help you identify and correct thinking distortions and/or core beliefs that are not based on truth. 

He/she will sit with you in the dark and help you find the light. He/she can help you find a new perspective. He/she can help you to process trauma and find healing in your soul, in your life and in your relationships.

A good therapist will help you find and live according to truth and help you find greater ability to act. They will be solution oriented. You will click. If you do not, continue to find the one that is right for you. 

You may also need to find a doctor that specializes in treating mental health with medications. Sometimes longterm, often they are a tool used to help you as you address the situation, learn, grow and find healing and new ways to manage your symptoms.

My suicidal ideation is gone. It is gone because I continued to choose life. I continued to reach out. I continued to work hard to heal. I found a way to survive every time. I continued to seek professional help. I continued to hope on. I continued to journey on. I continued to be open to what the journey had to teach me. I continued finding pieces to the puzzle. I continued to find tools. And now I have found this most important tool. A tool that helps me access my other tools. And every now and then, the suicidal ideation begins to reappear, yet it does not stay. Not with this new tool I found ... no, this tool that found me. Never give up hope.

After all of these years I finally found Ketamine and Spravato. For me they are life changers. Life is typically an up and down deal. I experience those in a more typical and healthy way. 

I still have my mental health struggles. I do. This continues to be a journey. It is a different journey just having the suicidal ideation taken away. And I have not even talked about the desire and ability to do things again. The ability to function more often. I have not talked about my improved mood and hope. I have not talked about a new level of increasing stability. I have not talked about finding me and being me again at times! I have not talked about the continuing improvements.

I am able to focus and work on other things that need attention. I am healing. I am learning how to manage and live with mental illness; mental illness that is more manageable. I will need treatment and support the rest of my life. Just like the person with diabetes, epilepsy or kidney disease. That is okay. It is a small price to pay for having the kind of relief, peace and joy that I now experience in a way I never could imagine.

Hope on! Journey on!

Molly Grace Daniels