HOW DO YOU BEST RESPOND WHEN MENTAL OR EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES CONFRONT YOU OR THOSE YOU LOVE? Really. Think about it. How do you respond?
There is a TED talk in which Max Silverman shares a story that provides a powerful contrast of how we often respond to physical illness vs. mental illness. I must be brief in detail, which diminishes the message some, however I hope that you can get the point anyway for now and watch the video later. (See below.)
When Max was a sophomore in school his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. He explains what that involved with two mastectomies, chemotherapy, hospitalizations, months of depleted energy and activity and the emotional toll it took on his mom, his dad, himself and his brothers.
He also describes the outpouring of support his family had. People made dinner for them every night for four months straight; he was welcomed at work and at school with hugs from friends and inquiries about his mom and how they could help. He was given a shoulder to cry on.
He mentions to his mom how incredible all of the help and support was and she just smiled and nodded her head and said, "Where was all of this when we really needed it? Where was this when your brother was sick?"
Four years prior to this time, his fun-loving, energetic little brother entered a darkness that nobody understood or knew what to do with, it was hard to get him out of bed and at the age of 8 he told his parents that he wanted to die. He began acting out, he ran away from home, he had difficulty at school and with friends.
His parents and doctors tried everything they could think of, but answers and understanding were slow to come. It was brutal. After years of searching, finally he was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder, depression, ADHD and several learning and processing disorders.
During this time they felt alone, utterly alone. They were alone. His brother's friends stopped seeing him as their parents did not want them hanging out with a problem child. Their parent's friends abandoned them and figured this must be the result of bad parenting. Some just didn't know what to say. Rumors were spread. There was no support for them from the school or from anywhere else. Even Max blamed his parents for letting his brother get away with things that were unfair.
No one offered to help. No one offered dinner. No one stopped Max at school to give him a hug or ask if he needed help. No one offered a shoulder to cry on. No one told his mom to snap out of it when she had cancer. His brother's illness was invisible and highly stigmatized and his mom's was not.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? It does to me.
The thing that would have made the most difference throughout my life of mental and emotional struggles personally and within my family would be to have not had to also deal with stigma; the judgment and shame and well-meaning but misguided comments and suggestions from others and my own personal false beliefs about illnesses that had nothing to do with character flaws, lack of willpower or lack of faith. It kept me isolated. It kept me shamed. It kept me from getting the kind of help and support that I needed. I have no more shame. There should be no more shame in acknowledging mental illness than a tumor or high blood pressure.
STIGMA
The key word here is stigma. What is stigma?
Stigma has a latin/greek origin meaning tattoo mark. It meant the mark of disgrace or infamy, indicating a stain or reproach.
Stigma involves:
Judgment
Stereotyping
Labels
Prejudice
False beliefs
Shame
Stigma creates:
Barriers
Discouragement
Discrimination
Disconnection
There are two kinds of stigma when we are talking about mental health:
1) Social Stigma - which is a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something.
2) Self Stigma - which is the internalizing of societal stigma. It is believing you are weak or damaged or unworthy because of an illness.
Often family members or loved ones of someone who struggles with mental health challenges experience stigma including judgements from others or their own shame or fear that somehow the illness is a reflection on them and they worry about what others may think.
I often learn a lot about something by looking at its opposite.
The opposite of stigma is:
Non-judgmental acceptance
Connection
Belonging
Acknowledgement
Fairness
Legitimacy
Honor
Credit
Respect
Kindness
Giving the Benefit of the Doubt
This is our goal. To be stigma-free.
I AM STIGMA-FREE.
Write ✍this on your mind 🧠and heart 💖.
Mental illness carries a lot of stigma in our society and it keeps us from reaching out to others and helping them in their most desperate times. It keeps people in isolation and in shame. It keeps them from talking about their challenges and getting help. I leads to suicide. This needs to change.
In 2003, for the first time as an adult, I dared to publicly share my story living with and through depression, anxiety and OCD. I had healed and I had overcome and I was asked to share how I did that, what that looked like. So, I did. I shared details of my journey. I talked about what I did physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually to heal. At that point, I prided myself on "beating depression" and considered myself "cured".
Then, not too many years later I found myself in a very deep, dark place again, feeling powerless over this disease. This was very distressing to me. It felt like failure, That self stigma came in. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and broken and unworthy. I did not want people to know. I was afraid to let people know. I needed to be safe. And because of that, I did not get the help I needed and got even deeper in darkness and disability. It took me a very long time to get over the stigma and myths to realize that being strong includes self-honesty and asking for help, especially from those who "get it" or have been there. My healing story this time is about accepting and learning to manage and live with complex PTSD as well as depression and anxiety. No Stigma.
I AM STIGMA FREE! AND IT FEELS GREAT!
See part two for thoughts on How to Become Stigma Free and Dispelling Some Myths that encourage stigma.
In the meantime, take 20 minutes and listen to Max Silverman tell his own story including what became of his little brother.
HOPE ON! JOURNEY ON!
Mollie Grace Daniels
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