SELF-CARE FIRST - WHERE IS MOLLY?

Just the other day someone asked me, "What's up?  I have not seen you around."

Well, I have not been myself lately. I have been transitioning some of my medications and it has been rough to say the least.  This is a change I asked for.  It has been more than I bargained for.  Self-care is a priority.  My silence has a reason. 

My hope and desire is to return to a better place than before I started these changes.  And before I started these changes, I was really in a great place!

I think the meme says it well! Currently I am in the messy middle, looking forward to the gorgeous end!

It was with the end in mind that I initiated this change with the encouragement of my health care providers. 

Today, I am just going to share some words borrowed from other people. I would love it if you would share in the comments any of these thoughts that resonate with you. Or maybe you have one of your own to share that gives hope, courage and strength for the journey.

 

I will end with some of my own words that I shared in my first post, "Welcome".

"I hope to share often. Self-care will come first. I make no guarantees or commitments in the frequency of my posts. Though I am passionate about this, I am also a bit fragile with my health. I have learned that something is better than nothing. And for too long I did nothing for fear of not doing enough, or being enough. I am enough and I now hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection. This is me."

Hope on! Journey on!

Molly Grace Daniels

I WILL LOVE YOU

Today, on the anniversary of this writing, I share with you my response to an unforeseen and deep betrayal, the result of which changed my entire family forever. Everything was different after that awful day and the days to follow. Today has been a day of reflection and sadness and a day of praise and triumph.

The words I wrote came from and speak of many years of heartache and trauma as a family with children with special needs, each with varying disabilities. These are invisible disabilities. These are children who look as whole as you and I. We need to look with more than our eyes. We need to understand with our hearts. 

The very people we needed help from and were in a place to be the help were often the people that would criticize, judge, hurt and traumatize our family. I have never been able to understand that.

This I do understand and I have learned: The world needs a whole lot less critics and a whole lot more cheerleaders. 

Caregivers, individuals with disabilities, the mentally ill, the marginalized - they all need people who understand, who believe them and help lift their burdens, whatever they may be. Being with them in a place of non-judgment and an open heart is one of the best things you can do.

The various experiences and traumas involved are not ones I want to rehearse here at this time.

This is, however, a look into my healing soul from many years ago. I had come a long way from where I once was - caught in fear and bitterness.

Love. Loving those who hurt me, my children, my family. Forgiving. Peace. These were all a process for me. They all are important to my journey. My journey led me to these places so that I could heal. 

This may not be the path for everyone. That is okay. In fact, I know for some, this notion of love after so much suffering at the hands of another is triggering and threatening. I honor and validate your journey to healing.  Loving and honoring yourself enough to do the hard work of healing takes courage. Love is still in the equation. Let that love make you free.

For me, on my journey, I have found that Love Never Fails. I am not talking about romantic love or dysfunctional love. I am talking about unconditional, brotherly love. Godly love. A love so powerful and vast, it carries with it healing, forgiveness and peace in the face of hurt, anger, loss and pain. It is a merciful love. It is the very essence of who we are and where we came from.

It is a love that cares about hearts and souls more than it cares about egos.

It is a love that has freed me over and over again. It is a love that saves.

Come what may, I am called to love and I am not alone in that journey. When loving seems too hard, that is when we need it the most. That is often when we turn to a source of strength beyond our own.

To my helpers, those who offered a helping hand and understanding heart, and loved me where I was at, I thank you. I love you!

To those who have forgiven me and love me when I have made mistakes, jumped to conclusions, assumed the worst, said the wrong thing, judged without cause or without mercy, thank you! Thank you for your forgiveness, for I am truly sorry. I love you! 

To those who have not forgiven me, please accept my humble apology.  May the grace of God hold you and carry you and heal any wounds that remain. May you feel the love I send to you. I love you!

And now a peek into my wounded and healing soul as I saw it years ago .......

I WILL LOVE YOU

I will love you even when you don't understand.

I will love you even when you say you understand and you don't.

I will love you when you accuse me.

I will love you when you gossip about me.

I will love you when you judge me wrong.

I will love you when you betray me.

And all the while I am loving you, I will do what I need to for my child. 

I am a trauma momma. I am a momma of a child formed in and born into trauma. I am a momma of a drug exposed child. I am a momma of a child with an intellectual disability. I am a momma of a child with mental illnesses. I am a momma of a child that needs love and understanding. I am a momma that needs love and understanding. 

I am a momma of one of God's precious spirits. He is His child first. So am I. And by His grace we will continue to love you even when loving you is hard.

**May love light your path and heal your heart.**

Hope On! Journey On!

Molly Grace Daniels

SUICIDAL IDEATION - CAN YOU IMAGINE?

 

Can you imagine what it is like living with suicidal ideation almost daily for seven years straight? Maybe longer? Nearly every day, fighting thoughts of suicide in your mind? Can you imagine going to weekly therapy all of this time, an important lifeline and help, yet still the thoughts remain?

Can you imagine some days having to use your safety plan because it is so present, so overwhelming, so intense? All of the tools you have, all that you know does nothing for you or makes it worse? Powerless. Afraid. Alone. Can you imagine wondering how your mind could ever conceive such horrible things? You? How? Why?

Can you imagine as all of this is going on, somehow, somewhere you sense that the truth is you really want to live, and still the thoughts continue overriding what you know deep in your soul?  

Can you imagine your pain and how your mind cannot take it anymore? Can you imagine that your mind sees death as the only way to get out of the pain? That it cannot see any other options? 

Can you imagine that it is not about not wanting to live, it is about feeling trapped, trapped in the pain? Can you imagine the living hell this all is?

Can you imagine your children witnessing such desperation? Can you imagine being aware of what this is doing to your children yet you are powerless? Can you imagine trying to hide it from them but they know something is wrong, something they do not understand? Can you imagine witnessing them witness you in such a state? Can you again imagine the living hell this is?

Can you imagine that secrecy and isolation make it worse? Can you imagine that secrecy and isolation is exactly what you want in spite of that truth? 

Can you imagine the shame you feel? Can you imagine how embarrassed you are and how weak and broken you feel? Can you imagine seeing this constant battle as evidence that you are indeed bad, faithless and pitiful? Can you imagine your pride keeping you from telling anyone? 

Can you imagine having enough experience now to know the best thing to do is the hardest thing? 

Can you imagine that your greatest fear is the answer?  Can you imagine that reaching out and sharing your truth, your thoughts in those moments takes the power away from it?

Can you imagine how hard it is to employ that safety plan in that state of mind and reach out and tell someone what is going on in your mind? Can you imagine how hard it is to find a safe person to share that with? 

Can you imagine the relief telling someone safe gives you, even as the thoughts continue to go through your mind over and over while wondering how can you live like this any longer? Telling someone safe? Saying it out loud? Can you imagine that being the key?  

Can you imagine that even if that does not take it right away, it begins to shrink? Someone knows. Some one who sits with you in the darkness so that you are not alone. Someone who helps you bear the pain and ease the struggle without judgment? Can you imagine the difference that makes? Can you imagine sunlight breaking though the dark and ominous clouds?

Can you imagine the intensity finally passing? It could be hours, it could be days, but finally it passes. Can you imagine how that feels? Can you imagine the relief you feel? Wonderful relief!

Can you imagine what comes next? 

Can you imagine the grief and hopelessness that follows an episode like that? Can you imagine how it feels to get to that point again? Can you imagine how keenly you feel the loss of self, of thriving, of hopes and dreams?

Can you imagine how embarrassed you are that people saw you like that? Can you imagine not ever wanting to see them again? Ever? Even your safe person?

Can you imagine the deep ache and sorrow in your soul, knowing how desperate you became, how close you came and how your mind could actually conceive such things, desire such things? Can you imagine living the paradox of relief and grief at the same time? 

Can you imagine trying to figure out who this person is that you have become and how you got there? Can you imagine living life wondering when it will happen again? 

Can you imagine that safe person sitting with you now in your grief? Sometimes the grief and sorrow lasting for days or weeks, sometimes less? 

Can you imagine that though you never wanted to see them again, it is simultaneously healing? Can you imagine them validating your pain and experience? Who does that? 

Can you imagine them seeing you, yes YOU, not the pathetic person you feel like? Can you imagine them believing in you still? Can you imagine how comforting that is?

Can you imagine them telling you that you are strong when you feel so weak? Can you imagine your confusion at this while at the same time knowing somewhere inside you that they speak truth? Can you imagine leaning on those words, that truth, as you work out the paradox you are living? 

Can you imagine their belief in you seeping into you, knowing that you can trust them? Can you imagine how hard won that trust was? 

Can you imagine wondering just exactly how you feel better and how they helped you see, helped you find hope and helped you to believe that things can and will get better so long as you keep doing the hard work of healing?

Can you imagine the power of having that safe person or people in your life? 

Can you imagine how empowering it is to begin to see some truths again? Can you imagine your focus changing from what happened to finding strength in being a survivor of that awful pain and hell?

Can you imagine such a shift? 

Can you imagine seeing growth and healing each time you come through? Can you imagine the gratitude you feel for having this safe person in your life? Can you imagine greater ability to act? Can you imagine it still being extremely hard, yet easier?  

Can you imagine that sometimes it does not feel easier? Can you imagine sometimes you feel more discouraged and more desperate? 

Can you imagine going back to your norm of near daily suicidal ideation, the one without the same intensity and desperation and resulting grief yet still those thoughts roll around your mind? 

Can you imagine this cycle over and over and over, day after day, year after year? 

Can you imagine accepting this is part of your life right now? Accepting it even as you continue the work of healing and hope, because that is who you are and what you do? You get back up and carry on. Can you imagine your children witnessing that kind of resilience? 

Can imagine this being your life?

Can you imagine not having to imagine this because this IS your reality?

A NEW REALITY

Now, can you imagine one day it is suddenly all gone? Just gone. Can you imagine that it is not immediately obvious, but soon you become aware that you have not had that battle, those thoughts for some time? 

Can you imagine how life changes without that constant battle? Can you imagine what that feels like? 

Can you imagine the liberation?  Can you imagine how astonishing this difference is?  Can you imagine that you feel like you are in some kind of dream? But it is not.

Can you imagine how unfamiliar, yet wonderful it feels. Can you imagine not remembering what life is like living without it?  It is better than you ever imagined it could be!

Can you imagine that there are no words to describe this new life? Can you imagine such beauty, such light, such peace, such joy, such freedom? 

Can you imagine a picture saying more than any words can say? 

Can you understand why I chose the picture at the beginning of this post? Can you hear what it is has to say? 

Are you wondering how this change ever took place after so long?

Can you imagine finally finding this new tool?

Ketamine, injected intramuscularly twice a week at first, then once a week, took it away. It took away that awful hell.

Spravato, esketamine, inhaled through the nose weekly keeps it away. 

Miracle is the only word that makes sense of this. You can call it science. I call it a miracle.

When nothing else worked after so many years, finally, you find relief from a carefully and responsibly administered psychedelic medication that does not just treat suicidal ideation, it heals the brain and mind.

Can you imagine that?

This is what I experienced. All of it. I know the realities, the fighting to overcome, the desperation, the hell, the discouragement, the hopelessness, the battle mostly faced alone, the vulnerability of reaching out and the importance of it. I know there is hope.

If you are struggling with suicidal ideation or have suicidal thoughts, know that you are not alone. Know that there is no shame in it. Know that there is help and hope. You do not need to walk this alone.

Tell someone about it. Do it! Do not give it power by keeping it to yourself. Instead, telling someone safe and talking about it will diminish its power and increase yours. If there is no one you want to share with right now, call the suicide hotline and speak with a stranger that listens, that cares. Many times they were my helpers. They were the ones that led me to safe ground.  

Create a safety plan and use it. As part of that plan you will find helpers who are caring, nonjudgmental, safe and willing. As I have pointed out in another post, Mr. Roger's mom was right. When you look for the helpers, you will find them. They are out there. The safety plan is more comprehensive than a list of people to call, though that is very important. 

A safety plan helps you recognize early warning signs and to take action. When you are in a place where your logical mind is shut down, or shutting down, you have a place to go to turn to that has been thought out, put into place and guides you personally through that rocky time whether that is something you can do for yourself that grounds you and helps you or helps you to reach out and find help when it has progressed. 

Find a professional, licensed therapist that you can connect with. The right therapist will be a safe person that will aide you in many various way as needed. You will find a listener, empathy, skills to cope and tools use. He/she will help you identify and correct thinking distortions and/or core beliefs that are not based on truth. 

He/she will sit with you in the dark and help you find the light. He/she can help you find a new perspective. He/she can help you to process trauma and find healing in your soul, in your life and in your relationships.

A good therapist will help you find and live according to truth and help you find greater ability to act. They will be solution oriented. You will click. If you do not, continue to find the one that is right for you. 

You may also need to find a doctor that specializes in treating mental health with medications. Sometimes longterm, often they are a tool used to help you as you address the situation, learn, grow and find healing and new ways to manage your symptoms.

My suicidal ideation is gone. It is gone because I continued to choose life. I continued to reach out. I continued to work hard to heal. I found a way to survive every time. I continued to seek professional help. I continued to hope on. I continued to journey on. I continued to be open to what the journey had to teach me. I continued finding pieces to the puzzle. I continued to find tools. And now I have found this most important tool. A tool that helps me access my other tools. And every now and then, the suicidal ideation begins to reappear, yet it does not stay. Not with this new tool I found ... no, this tool that found me. Never give up hope.

After all of these years I finally found Ketamine and Spravato. For me they are life changers. Life is typically an up and down deal. I experience those in a more typical and healthy way. 

I still have my mental health struggles. I do. This continues to be a journey. It is a different journey just having the suicidal ideation taken away. And I have not even talked about the desire and ability to do things again. The ability to function more often. I have not talked about my improved mood and hope. I have not talked about a new level of increasing stability. I have not talked about finding me and being me again at times! I have not talked about the continuing improvements.

I am able to focus and work on other things that need attention. I am healing. I am learning how to manage and live with mental illness; mental illness that is more manageable. I will need treatment and support the rest of my life. Just like the person with diabetes, epilepsy or kidney disease. That is okay. It is a small price to pay for having the kind of relief, peace and joy that I now experience in a way I never could imagine.

Hope on! Journey on!

Molly Grace Daniels

MUD, GLORIOUS MUD - PART 3 - LETTING GO, GETTING OUT, BUILDING MY HOUSE

"We stand on the dusty road of our circumstances, and experience tells us the clouds will roll in soon and we'll be left exhausted, knee deep in the mud.

The humanity of it all is that we will find whatever we are looking for.

Yet, the mercy of God's hand reaches down to shield our hearts from the calculated pain, and offers something better for each of us than we could ever imagine for ourselves."

Trisha Keehn   http://trishakeehn.com/the-outpouring-mercy-in-our-pain/

"The dream" I had so many years ago continued to teach me. It had become a powerful metaphor for me. It still is.  

There were some things in the dream that I still did not understand. I pondered them, asked about them and then in due time received my answers.

The answers, over a long period of time, were the most profound, soul searching and soul changing of all that I would learn from this simple dream. 

The first two lessons from the dream were a foundation and a part of accepting and understanding the next lessons the dream would teach me. These lessons have been the crux of my healing journey. I am very grateful.

A review of the first two lessons follow; their context and meaning can be found in Part 1 and Part 2 posted previously. 

(For parts one and two, click on the following links.  Mud, Glorious Mud - The Dream and Mud, Glorious Mud - Mud That I May See.)

Part 1:  https://mollygracedaniels.blogspot.com/2021/03/mud-glorious-mud-part-one-dream.html

Part 2:  https://mollygracedaniels.blogspot.com/2021/03/mud-glorious-mud-part-two-mud-that-i.html

 

Lesson 1: Mud (trials, weakness, opposition) can be inconvenient, yucky and miserable. It may also be the very thing that saves our lives. Mud can turn us to God. We can be grateful and praise God as we see His hand guiding us, keeping us away from dead ends or destructive paths or steering us toward paths that lead to great opportunity, growth and wisdom.

Lesson 2: As yucky and destructive as mud (opposition) can be, it is not inherently bad. It is rather useful and can be glorious and praise worthy. It is what we do with the mud and how we respond to it that matters. 

Further Lessons ....

LETTING GO:

One thing that bothered me about my dream from the very beginning was the fact that I was so concerned about the bags and “saving our stuff”. I am sooo not a material person. I am not attached to “things”. I tried to figure out what that was about but to no avail. Maybe it was nothing. Just short of six years later, God would instruct me on that.

I was a little too literal when first pondering the meaning of the bags. It was not about material things at all. It was false beliefs, fears, grudges, past hurts, anxieties, traumas and such that I was so concerned about holding on to … though I did not realize I was. In fact, I had let go of many things already ...  or so I thought.

We can carry so much baggage. 

Why was I so concerned about saving this baggage?  Who would want it? It was weighing me down. Keeping me stuck. This would be a whole new look into my soul. The most challenging part of my journey.

At some point during this process of looking into my soul and identifying the baggage and learning to let go, I had an image come to mind. It was much like the one below. 

I was carrying more than was humanly possible. It defied the laws of physics. It was so much that I could not see around it or over it. The bags were of various sizes from very large to relatively small ones. They were different styles and colors.

I noticed that some of the baggage was not even mine. And I noticed some of it was antique baggage; baggage much older than I am. This baggage was passed on to me from other generations and other people. Some I willingly took and some I did not.

Funny thing though, when you are stuck in mud and have your hands full of baggage, it is pretty much impossible to get out. 

I had to get stuck in the mud again to figure that out, only this time I was in the mud deeper than ever.

Another thing that I realized from the dream is that it left off with me still standing in the mud. How did I get out? Or did I? And further more, having found myself in even deeper mud, how do I get out now?

Clearly I had to let go of all of the baggage. And clearly, I needed help to do it.

God has provided numerous people, therapies, medications, knowledge and tools over many years to assist me in letting go of the baggage. It is taking me a long time to do it. It is not as easy as it sounds. Letting go is hard! It takes much patience and diligence. It takes desire, faith and work. It even takes unpleasant experiences. And it takes humility and a willingness to ask for and receive help. It takes surrendering. God's ways are not our ways. 

One by one and in due time I have been letting go of that baggage, feeling freer and lighter than I have felt in years. 

The lessons of letting go are many and valuable. It is a difficult and a beautiful walk. There are gifts hidden in the journey, hidden in plain sight. Oh how I want to share each lesson and each gift that I have found. Those are for other times, each deserving its own time and focus. Truly though, all things can work together for our good. 

GETTING OUT:

As for how you get out of the mud itself, you can try and do it on your own. You might even succeed for a time. But rest assured, you will still be carrying around the mud and baggage with you if you do that. 

The way to get out of the mud and leave it all behind is found in Psalm 40:1-3 which reads, “I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock and established my goings. And He put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.” 

Having waited on the Lord and having remained faithful and diligent, He has brought me forth out of the miry clay, cleansed me and filled me with a song of redeeming love, praise and amazing grace. Only He could have done that. There is only one way and He is it.

BUILDING MY HOUSE:

Inasmuch as mud can be used to destroy, it can be used to build. A short tutorial on bricks may be helpful here…

“A brick is a block or a single unit of a kneaded clay-bearing soil, sand and lime, or concrete material [all various forms of mud], fire hardened or air dried [and] used in masonry construction. … Fired brick are the most numerous type and are laid in courses and numerous patterns known as bonds, collectively known as brickwork, and may be laid in various kinds of mortar to hold the bricks together to make a durable structure. … Fired brick are one of the longest lasting and strongest building materials sometimes referred to as artificial stone …”  

The mud that was something that once held me bound would be used to build my house, to build me, brick by brick, in courses and patterns, each brick having been formed and then strengthened in the furnace of high heat and held together by the mortar of infinite, redeeming love and amazing grace. The house itself would be built on a foundation of the rock of Jesus Christ.

I am the house, being built in His name and for His glory. A temple of the most High God, a light in the darkness.

In Doctrine and Covenants 109:8 we are commanded “Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God.”

I am the house.* 

Hope On! Journey On!

Molly Grace Daniels

*What is a house? 

“From the symbolic Hebrew perspective, the “House” has many meanings. The main meaning is that which is within… Some other descriptions are: a sanctuary, a temple or that which is within those places; a family that is housed within four walls; a spirit which is within a body; a place of growth in understanding the many paradoxes of life. It can be the character and well-being of each individual.”

“The Hebrew letter “beis” (bet/beth) is related to bayis, meaning house or home… A home is more than just a shelter from the elements; it is a place where one has the feeling of belonging, an enclosure in which to develop his personality and in which he defines himself emotionally and spiritually.” 

Katie Hansen http://www.gatheringplaceforfamilies.org/