LOOK FOR THE HELPERS - A TRIBUTE, AN INVITATION AND MY STORY

Today is a small, yet most sincere and heartfelt tribute and thank you to my helpers.

It is also an invitation for you to look for the helpers in your life.

This quote from Mr. Rogers has helped me many, many times over the years since I first heard it. Thank you, Mr. Rogers for being one of my helpers.

There have been many "scary things in the news" since I first read this years ago. And I have watched and witnessed time after time that there are always "people who are helping". It is such a hopeful, uplifting thing to see. It helps to look for the helpers. It inspires me and it comforts me. It is among the greatest of habits that I have developed.

Please note that I do not ignore what is going on. I acknowledge the "scary things". Among other things, I notice the emotions that come up and acknowledge them, grieve what needs to be grieved, sit with them; whatever needs to happen to properly process them. If it makes me angry, I discover what emotion is beneath the anger. Anger is an expression of an emotion, not an emotion itself. Uncovering that emotion can be a healing process if you let it be. It can lead to you being the change you wish to see in the world.

I am learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable when it comes to emotions and transitions. Uncomfortable is not fun and we do almost anything to avoid it or get away from it. When it comes to mental health and feelings, running from the discomfort will only bring more trouble and pain later. Maybe it is time to become comfortable feeling uncomfortable with emotions.

Here is a powerful truth to consider.

I hope I have clarified that when I say "look for the helpers", I am not advocating ignoring the "scary thing" and emotions. You can acknowledge the "scary thing", get your power back by looking for what you can do and doing it, as well as noticing and acknowledging your emotions AND "look for the helpers" at the same time!" 

Now, back to the main point of my writing today; looking for the helpers and paying a small tribute to the helpers in my life, past, present and future.

The first time I applied this concept to my personal life was not long after returning to counseling after two decades. Prior to this, I had felt all alone, misunderstood and unsupported. I still remember the day that I realized my therapist, Ben, was one of my helpers. In previous posts I have referenced how much I did not want to go back to therapy. I did not want to trust Ben and put up walls to protect myself. I held him suspect for a long time, watching and questioning everything he did and said; scouring the internet for anything that would show him trustworthy. There was not anything about him there.

Still with all of this, within a few visits, I found myself wanting to come back. I did not understand it. Who is this man? and What is he doing that makes me feel better? I was perplexed by the entire ordeal. I had never experienced this. (There is magic in empathy, in genuinely being listened to while having what you said reflected back to make sure you were understood and in helping you see things in a new way; in making a connection, being acknowledged and having your journey honored.)

For many, many months, I carried these things together; the walls, suspicion, distrust, questioning and watching everything he did and said along with the desire to come back and the various comforting, hopeful feelings I was experiencing that I did not understand. I was fighting letting those walls down. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of being abandoned. I was afraid of what was inside of me that was causing such pain and anxiety and fear for so long, disabling me. I was afraid of being seen, of someone knowing my weaknesses and struggles. I was afraid of what I was beginning to feel instead of being numb. 

Somehow, he was winning. He. was. winning. I wanted to trust him.  I wanted to let go of analyzing his every move and word. I wanted to feel safe there. More than a few times in those many, many months, he became the object of my anger. In a twisted way, the anger protected me, ironically, from the very things I needed and wanted in order to heal and to manage my mental illness. It took a long, long time to trust him. It was a process that came little by little. And then one day, something made all of the difference.

I was finally able to see Ben not as an enemy or someone untrustworthy, just waiting to gain my trust and then abandon me, but I saw him as one of my helpers. I had seen that quote from Mister Rogers again and had a paradigm shift or two.  That thought turned around so many things for me.  These helpers were not just there when "I would see scary things in the news".  These helpers were there in my personal trials and troubles. I just had not looked. Rather, I was looking for those who could hurt me or my children. My experience was this was needed for protection and survival. 

I began looking for the helpers. I purposely looked for the helpers. Then I saw it plain as day. Ben was one of my helpers! As soon as I saw Ben as one of my helpers (after having practiced that on the larger scale of world, national and community tragedies), I was almost instantly changed, as I remember it. In the end, Ben was my helper for six and a half years. He sat with me as I sobbed, screamed, talked on and on. He witnessed, challenged me and comforted me. He also walked with me through countless hours of heartbreaking traumas, losses, betrayal, soul searching, processing, teaching, leading and walks through the valley of the shadow of death. He helped me find pieces to my puzzle, heal, learn tools for managing my illness and see new perspectives and insights. He encouraged me and believed in me and the ability to find peace and joy. He helped me feel safe. He was indeed a helper.

After first seeing Ben as one of my helpers, I kept looking. Not surprisingly, I kept seeing helpers; present and past. Both professional and other caring individuals. It was more than I could keep track of so I began to write them down. I was overcome with gratitude and very humbled. It is not that I had not seen their help and support and expressed my gratitude. I did. I just saw it coming from a different perspective. This, this recognition and understanding was different. And it was all because of Ben. Patient Ben.

Over the years of working with Ben, I continued to look for the helpers. I continued to write lists of helpers. These lists are precious to me. Some of the acts of helping me were simple. Some of them great sacrifices. All manner of things. All of theses people in some way my helpers. Mr. Roger's mom was right. "There will always be people who are helping." And she was right that we must look for them.

Thank you, thank you my helpers during the storms and scary things of life, even during my darkest hours. You lifted burdens, comforted, acknowledged me, took me out of my isolation and offered your time and friendship and healing gifts. You were my gatekeepers, being the safe person to call when depression, overwhelm and desperation led me to desperate thoughts. Not just were, are. Still many are still there. You have no idea how what you did impacted me and helped me and continues to impact me and help me. I cannot list you all here. You made a difference. I am where I am because of you. You inspire me. I see the good in the world. There is so much good being done by helpers. These words feel very inadequate. I have had the opportunity to thank some of you personally. The others I have put my gratitude out there, hoping that somehow you are blessed.

Moving on without Ben was not my idea, nor was it my desire. Nor was it his. It was out of our control.  It was something that was forced upon me. I accepted it. And was profoundly grateful for the time he was my helper and healer. Now, it was time to look for new helpers. And I have found some. (A new transition to practice being comfortable with the uncomfortable.) That is part of what brings me here today.

Today I had another Spravato treatment. The practitioner became one of my helpers four months ago beginning with ketamine shots and then transitioning to Spravato. I know only a little bit of his dedication and sacrifices to be the helper for so many people. I have come to appreciate him very much. I have found some healing and my life has improved in so many ways because of these treatments. It seems miraculous to me. I have done things that I have not been able to do in more than a decade. I have felt feelings, good feelings that I have not been able to feel for a long time. I have a new kind of hope for my future. It is a process and I will have to continue to do the work of going to maintenance treatments and the work of doing these long lost things and new things. This is part of my work of building these new neural pathways that will continue to help me and improve my life and mental health. Thank you, Colby.

A direct result of these treatments is that I have at times seen the Molly I once knew. Others have seen her. She is still there. It is wonderful. Beautiful. I love you Molly. I have missed you. I am excited to see more of you.

He is not the only one. There are also other helpers, some that I have recently met. Each one holds a piece to the puzzle. Each one has their way of helping. Some of these helpers are professionals, some are those who have been there for a phone call, a text, all while we navigate Covid as it affects each of our lives. Many of these helpers have helped me to and from my treatments, some of them have supported me and my family in our loss and grief. Some have offered a kind smile or hello. There are those who help my children. There are my sisters who left their homes and families and traveled this last weekend to help, just as all of my siblings are my helpers and just as my parents were when they were alive. My week is already lined up with several other kind helpers and others will show up as we walk our journey this week. And it does not stop there. To all of you, I humbly thank you. Thank you for being one of my helpers. You are a testament to the good that is in the world. You are a light to my world. You embody hope and charity.

"Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." They are out there. I have seen them.

It is a good week to have a good week. May yours be filled with light and truth, healing and helping!

Hope on! Journey on!

Molly Grace Daniels