I DID IT. AFTER FOURTEEN YEARS. Thanks to KETAMINE and SPRAVATO.

This marks the beginnings of a new phase in my healing and functioning ability. One that I guessed I would never see. I still am in awe.

For the last little while, I have been finding that I am doing things. Things that I have wanted to do but have been unable to do for a long time due to the debilitating nature of my illnesses. 

Usually I just shut down, become overwhelmed, feel too fatigued, slow, confused, unmotivated, triggered or crippled by anxiety. Often it does not even cross my mind as a possibility or I simply have no confidence or interest. In fact, I have lost most of my interests or desires. This has gone on for more than a decade. I have largely been unrecognizable from the person I once was.

Now, sometimes without much thought about what I am doing, I am just doing things - because I want to or I feel like it or see the need and just get it done. I cannot explain it actually. But I am grateful and amazed.

I was a little slow at recognizing this change in me, which seems strange. You’d think it would stand out immediately. Subtly and simply it just started to happen. When I began to notice it, I was thrilled and just a bit confused by such a wonderful change. 

I remember the day that I wanted to put on eyeshadow. How long has it been since I wanted to do that? Longer than I can remember. Unfortunately, what I had was so old, it crumbled in my hands.

One night, I just decided that I wanted to make some changes to the family room and stayed up late doing it. My family loved the changes and remarked that it is such a happy room! It does have a different, wonderful feel to it. It includes a special place to honor and remember my parents that I long cared for, slowly watched get weaker, lose their abilities and independence and then watched them die a year apart. My mother lived with me in the end and has been gone for four months now. I miss them so much.

I began thinking about the now extra room downstairs and what I wanted to do with it, what I wanted it to be. There were all of a sudden so many possibilities before me. I was so motivated to make it into something we could use and enjoy. Another unheard of endeavor.

On another day, I decided that I was tired of storing things I had held onto because I am such a sentimental person. After years and years, they remained boxed up and were never seen. I decided that I was not going to store them anymore. I was either going to get them out and use them and enjoy them, or discard them. I decided to set out my mementos and heirlooms rather than get rid of them or continue storing them. In order to do this, I would have make a space for them. This meant letting go of some of my precious books I have spent so many years collecting and reading or studying. These books reveal my passions and love of learning and curiosity. Some of them remain yet unopened. Some of them hold great memories. As hard as it would be, I concluded that I would just have to give some up to make room for new things. For a moment, I thought the earth stopped orbiting the sun. "What in the world is happening?"

There was the day I went in the huge arts and crafts store (ew!) all by myself to find frames for more than a few pictures. Some I have had for a couple of decades. Some just needed regular frames which I picked out with satisfaction and ease. (Yeah, it's true, I did that. I was surprised too.) Some needed custom framing and I, yes, me Molly Grace, stood there swapping mats and frames and making decisions without the least bit of anxiety or overwhelm and even with some excitement! Even in my best times in life this is something that would have been stressful, to put it mildly. That day, I was calm as could be. I ended up being in that store, all by myself, enjoying myself, for two whole hours. I am waiting for them to be completed so that I can pick them up and decide where they will find a place on my mostly bare walls. Or maybe I will swap them out for some others to change things up a bit. (Did I say change? Yep.) I am looking forward to it and am quite excited! I have not felt such wonderful excitement for a long time. More than that, this is going to be done without any thought of what others might think. It will say, "This is Molly Grace." I am going to create. It is time to be a creator the Molly Grace way; the same way it was with my little old 1935, 950 square foot home nearly three decades ago. Now that was a project. We did it over time and with our own hands. That was my favorite home by the way. The yard was even lined with a white picket fence built by my husband and adorned by beautiful hollyhocks. And I gave it up for The Blue House. Oy! (Remind me some day to share with you about "building my house". That is a favorite of mine. I learn from it over and over.)

And now, I want to share with you what is a miracle to me.

It has been fourteen years since I had family pictures taken. I have long wanted a new family picture to hang on the wall in my living room. Unfortunately, I could not begin to go there. The stress and anxiety were too overwhelming. It was triggering to me. I could not even think about doing it, no matter how much I wanted it.

Fourteen years! Those are my last family pictures. And that last time was only because my sister-in-law arranged it all when we were coming in from out of state. We just showed up at the studio. Both of my sisters-in-law were there with their families for an extended family group picture and some individual family pictures while we were at it. I managed to do it, but not without some unwanted anxiety even though all I had to do was show up with my family. I am grateful that was arranged and we do have that family picture.

Last weekend, two of my sisters came into town as we still have some of mom and dad’s things to go through. A couple of days before they came, an exciting thought came to my mind. Maybe while they are here they can take family pictures of us! I considered what we had on hand to wear and where we could go for an outside photoshoot.  I even dared ask my sisters if they would do it and they were willing. Yipeee!!!

Without a shred of worry, doubt, anxiety or overwhelm and without crankiness or irritability, I pulled us together and out we went, traipsing around various parts of town snapping hundreds of pictures of my family. Cool weather and winds not withstanding. Not only did I do it, I enjoyed it! It was fun! I had fun! I think we all did!

My husband was in his blue and green dress kilt uniform with his bagpipes close at hand and was just as striking and attractive as could be. We got some shots with him playing his bagpipes; “Amazing Grace” floating on the wind. How fitting and appropriate for such a moment.

I wore a favorite blue floral dress that had been sitting in my closet some fifteen years or so, waiting for it to fit me again. My recent seventy pound weight loss was enough for me to wear this favorite dress of mine. I was thrilled! I even put on new eye shadow that I had bought after my old unused one crumbled to pieces.

My handsome son was in his cowboy dress shirt and bolo tie and cowboy boots. My daughter, pretty as ever, wore her new cowgirl boots with a patriotic pattern. She came with her layered clothing, allowing her a variety of outfits and hairdos as we took various pictures. In short, each one of us found and wore exactly what best expressed our individual personalities, loves and interests. And do you know what? It just came together. It came together in a perfect way. Grace.

It took two days before I could download the pictures and it was almost a sacred moment for me as I went through each picture and saw the realization of a long held dream right in front of me. 

Each picture was precious to me. These people were my life and my reason for living during the hard times. We had endured much together. And we were caught in time, enjoying the very experience of not only being together, but being out and about, and being in the moment. So many smiles and silly faces. So many poses and fun backgrounds. My children have grown so much in the intervening fourteen years since our last picture. My heart filled with so much love and gratitude for them and for the many who blessed their lives because of their deliberate or random acts of kindness and service and sustaining love over many years.

And then there were the pictures of me. I have never considered myself photogenic at all, always critical of pictures of me and rarely satisfied with any of them. Yet there before me was a huge variety of pictures of me and I loved every one of them, gray hair and all. What I saw was truly me! The me I once knew and have long missed. There was something about me that was different. My life’s load of pain and self doubt, sadness and worry was absent. My smile was genuine and my countenance glowed. Some of the pictures revealed my silliness and fun nature. 

There in those pictures was Molly Grace! My long lost Molly Grace. The one I have missed and been searching for, working ever so hard to find for years; trying nearly everything for over a decade - admittedly with some relief and progress amid the frustration and pain.  Many helpers kept me going as I lived most of that time in a state of survival. 

It has all been part of the journey. I have studied. I have learned. And I have searched my soul and mind, trying to understand the hell and madness that I often experience. I soon will be starting my eighth year of weekly counseling. This time has been a precious and sacred and vulnerable time that prepared me for a new key that would allow me to have the beautiful experience last weekend with my family and sisters. 

This new key is a medicine (I prefer miracle) called KETAMINE. I started Ketamine injections four months ago, recently transitioning to SPRAVATO, a variation of the original Ketamine. It has taken away the nearly daily battle of suicidal ideation, helped me to do things I have not done for so long or maybe ever. More recently I noticed that it has helped me to experience excitement, desire, enjoyment, satisfaction and joy. It is incredible to me. Indifference, numbness or despair have been my predominant experiences for years. This is a big deal folks. A big, big deal for me and my dear family.

This truly marks a new kind of beginning. I will continue to attend my treatments. I still have abilities to regain, confidence to find, fears, anxieties and triggering events to work through, things I want to be able to do and new neural pathways to build. I am not "there" yet. I still have work to do. And now as I continue on, I do so with another piece to my puzzle in hand, a piece in the shape of a key.

I am grateful for this life-saving, life-giving medication. It is a medication that not only treats but heals the brain and mind. I owe much to those who discovered that this familiar, long-established drug was capable of relieving, healing, restoring life and hope for countless suffering people. I have great respect for those who have fought the fight, faced ridicule and sacrificed much advocating for the use of Ketamine for the purpose of relieving suffering and unlocking the imprisoned minds and souls of many people past, present and future. I honor you and I thank you. 

“May the long time sun shine upon you.

All love surround you.

And the pure light within you

Guide your way on

Guide your way on."

    -Snatam Kaur

Please do not misunderstand. Ketamine has improved the quality of my life. To me it marks a new phase in my healing and functioning ability. It has been life giving and life saving for me. However, I am not claiming that it is a cure of any kind. It will not work for everybody. It has helped many people feel better, do better and live better. Any medication or treatment should be carefully considered and studied by an individual considering using it. 

I am telling you what it has done for me. I knew about it for years. I was specifically led to try it but not until I was ready and the right medical professional was educated, prepared and ready. That is all another story. The right thing, at the right time, in the right way, with the right person was no accident. I did my part. And I was blessed enough to be one of many who are not just feeling better, but being given a new life.

I will always have to manage my mental illness/health. My mental illness is not going away. Just this weekend I was somehow thrown into a suicidal place and employed my safety plan for a short time. Life will always have its ups and downs and challenges. It does not take that away.

As I said earlier, I will continue with maintenance Spravato/Ketamine treatments. I will also continue psychotherapy, EMDR and neurofeedback as long as I need to. I still use other medications. I will continue to practice mindfulness, meditation, nutrition, exercise, rest and use the knowledge, tools and skills I have been taught in my studies and in therapy. I will continue using self-care and boundaries. I will continue to be the faithful, diligent, brave and resilient fighter who wants to live and live well.

This journey is bringing me back to a more complete and recognizable me. Each time I come full circle, the movement has been upward and resulted in a more refined, more grateful, more functional, more complete me. The Ketamine is allowing me new experiences of such supreme joy that only those who have suffered the hell and walked the journey can know.

I love my family pictures. I love me in them, bright and sparkling and renewed. I treasure them more than I could have ever guessed. They mark the beginnings of this new phase in healing and ability to function and do things, being free of the nearly constant suicidal ideation and increasingly experiencing beautiful, positive, enjoyable parts of life that were there, but beyond my reach. I can see in color again.

I did it! After fourteen years I did it. I had family pictures taken. I did it with joy and peace and laughter and fun. 

The Ketamine/Spravato was the catalyst. And it was me who chose to go out and do it. It was me that chose to try many other things again or for the first time; building new neural pathways with each experience which opens me to more experiences building more neural pathways. See how it builds upon each other, expanding the possibilities and the capacity to function and increase in satisfying and joyful experiences? Ketamine/Spravato made it possible. I made it happen. I did it. And every one of my helpers along my path were a part of that success. 

That is how it works. We help others, we leave our mark and we become a part of the success of those we helped. We may never know the impact or difference we have made, but that is not the point. The point is, we did it and because we did, someone succeeded. And that will always come back to you.

Celebrate with me! Celebrate my helpers. And I celebrate with you the thing/s you did today to keep walking the journey, those you helped on their journeys. It will all come full circle if you keep hoping on and journeying on. And when it does, it will be glorious!

Hope on! Journey on! 

Molly Grace Daniels

LOOK FOR THE HELPERS - A TRIBUTE, AN INVITATION AND MY STORY

Today is a small, yet most sincere and heartfelt tribute and thank you to my helpers.

It is also an invitation for you to look for the helpers in your life.

This quote from Mr. Rogers has helped me many, many times over the years since I first heard it. Thank you, Mr. Rogers for being one of my helpers.

There have been many "scary things in the news" since I first read this years ago. And I have watched and witnessed time after time that there are always "people who are helping". It is such a hopeful, uplifting thing to see. It helps to look for the helpers. It inspires me and it comforts me. It is among the greatest of habits that I have developed.

Please note that I do not ignore what is going on. I acknowledge the "scary things". Among other things, I notice the emotions that come up and acknowledge them, grieve what needs to be grieved, sit with them; whatever needs to happen to properly process them. If it makes me angry, I discover what emotion is beneath the anger. Anger is an expression of an emotion, not an emotion itself. Uncovering that emotion can be a healing process if you let it be. It can lead to you being the change you wish to see in the world.

I am learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable when it comes to emotions and transitions. Uncomfortable is not fun and we do almost anything to avoid it or get away from it. When it comes to mental health and feelings, running from the discomfort will only bring more trouble and pain later. Maybe it is time to become comfortable feeling uncomfortable with emotions.

Here is a powerful truth to consider.

I hope I have clarified that when I say "look for the helpers", I am not advocating ignoring the "scary thing" and emotions. You can acknowledge the "scary thing", get your power back by looking for what you can do and doing it, as well as noticing and acknowledging your emotions AND "look for the helpers" at the same time!" 

Now, back to the main point of my writing today; looking for the helpers and paying a small tribute to the helpers in my life, past, present and future.

The first time I applied this concept to my personal life was not long after returning to counseling after two decades. Prior to this, I had felt all alone, misunderstood and unsupported. I still remember the day that I realized my therapist, Ben, was one of my helpers. In previous posts I have referenced how much I did not want to go back to therapy. I did not want to trust Ben and put up walls to protect myself. I held him suspect for a long time, watching and questioning everything he did and said; scouring the internet for anything that would show him trustworthy. There was not anything about him there.

Still with all of this, within a few visits, I found myself wanting to come back. I did not understand it. Who is this man? and What is he doing that makes me feel better? I was perplexed by the entire ordeal. I had never experienced this. (There is magic in empathy, in genuinely being listened to while having what you said reflected back to make sure you were understood and in helping you see things in a new way; in making a connection, being acknowledged and having your journey honored.)

For many, many months, I carried these things together; the walls, suspicion, distrust, questioning and watching everything he did and said along with the desire to come back and the various comforting, hopeful feelings I was experiencing that I did not understand. I was fighting letting those walls down. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of being abandoned. I was afraid of what was inside of me that was causing such pain and anxiety and fear for so long, disabling me. I was afraid of being seen, of someone knowing my weaknesses and struggles. I was afraid of what I was beginning to feel instead of being numb. 

Somehow, he was winning. He. was. winning. I wanted to trust him.  I wanted to let go of analyzing his every move and word. I wanted to feel safe there. More than a few times in those many, many months, he became the object of my anger. In a twisted way, the anger protected me, ironically, from the very things I needed and wanted in order to heal and to manage my mental illness. It took a long, long time to trust him. It was a process that came little by little. And then one day, something made all of the difference.

I was finally able to see Ben not as an enemy or someone untrustworthy, just waiting to gain my trust and then abandon me, but I saw him as one of my helpers. I had seen that quote from Mister Rogers again and had a paradigm shift or two.  That thought turned around so many things for me.  These helpers were not just there when "I would see scary things in the news".  These helpers were there in my personal trials and troubles. I just had not looked. Rather, I was looking for those who could hurt me or my children. My experience was this was needed for protection and survival. 

I began looking for the helpers. I purposely looked for the helpers. Then I saw it plain as day. Ben was one of my helpers! As soon as I saw Ben as one of my helpers (after having practiced that on the larger scale of world, national and community tragedies), I was almost instantly changed, as I remember it. In the end, Ben was my helper for six and a half years. He sat with me as I sobbed, screamed, talked on and on. He witnessed, challenged me and comforted me. He also walked with me through countless hours of heartbreaking traumas, losses, betrayal, soul searching, processing, teaching, leading and walks through the valley of the shadow of death. He helped me find pieces to my puzzle, heal, learn tools for managing my illness and see new perspectives and insights. He encouraged me and believed in me and the ability to find peace and joy. He helped me feel safe. He was indeed a helper.

After first seeing Ben as one of my helpers, I kept looking. Not surprisingly, I kept seeing helpers; present and past. Both professional and other caring individuals. It was more than I could keep track of so I began to write them down. I was overcome with gratitude and very humbled. It is not that I had not seen their help and support and expressed my gratitude. I did. I just saw it coming from a different perspective. This, this recognition and understanding was different. And it was all because of Ben. Patient Ben.

Over the years of working with Ben, I continued to look for the helpers. I continued to write lists of helpers. These lists are precious to me. Some of the acts of helping me were simple. Some of them great sacrifices. All manner of things. All of theses people in some way my helpers. Mr. Roger's mom was right. "There will always be people who are helping." And she was right that we must look for them.

Thank you, thank you my helpers during the storms and scary things of life, even during my darkest hours. You lifted burdens, comforted, acknowledged me, took me out of my isolation and offered your time and friendship and healing gifts. You were my gatekeepers, being the safe person to call when depression, overwhelm and desperation led me to desperate thoughts. Not just were, are. Still many are still there. You have no idea how what you did impacted me and helped me and continues to impact me and help me. I cannot list you all here. You made a difference. I am where I am because of you. You inspire me. I see the good in the world. There is so much good being done by helpers. These words feel very inadequate. I have had the opportunity to thank some of you personally. The others I have put my gratitude out there, hoping that somehow you are blessed.

Moving on without Ben was not my idea, nor was it my desire. Nor was it his. It was out of our control.  It was something that was forced upon me. I accepted it. And was profoundly grateful for the time he was my helper and healer. Now, it was time to look for new helpers. And I have found some. (A new transition to practice being comfortable with the uncomfortable.) That is part of what brings me here today.

Today I had another Spravato treatment. The practitioner became one of my helpers four months ago beginning with ketamine shots and then transitioning to Spravato. I know only a little bit of his dedication and sacrifices to be the helper for so many people. I have come to appreciate him very much. I have found some healing and my life has improved in so many ways because of these treatments. It seems miraculous to me. I have done things that I have not been able to do in more than a decade. I have felt feelings, good feelings that I have not been able to feel for a long time. I have a new kind of hope for my future. It is a process and I will have to continue to do the work of going to maintenance treatments and the work of doing these long lost things and new things. This is part of my work of building these new neural pathways that will continue to help me and improve my life and mental health. Thank you, Colby.

A direct result of these treatments is that I have at times seen the Molly I once knew. Others have seen her. She is still there. It is wonderful. Beautiful. I love you Molly. I have missed you. I am excited to see more of you.

He is not the only one. There are also other helpers, some that I have recently met. Each one holds a piece to the puzzle. Each one has their way of helping. Some of these helpers are professionals, some are those who have been there for a phone call, a text, all while we navigate Covid as it affects each of our lives. Many of these helpers have helped me to and from my treatments, some of them have supported me and my family in our loss and grief. Some have offered a kind smile or hello. There are those who help my children. There are my sisters who left their homes and families and traveled this last weekend to help, just as all of my siblings are my helpers and just as my parents were when they were alive. My week is already lined up with several other kind helpers and others will show up as we walk our journey this week. And it does not stop there. To all of you, I humbly thank you. Thank you for being one of my helpers. You are a testament to the good that is in the world. You are a light to my world. You embody hope and charity.

"Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." They are out there. I have seen them.

It is a good week to have a good week. May yours be filled with light and truth, healing and helping!

Hope on! Journey on!

Molly Grace Daniels

Some Say I Am the Creator of this Chaos

Creator?

Me?
I am
A creator.
Some say
I created the chaos in my life.

I say that my creation,
Like my Father,
Is the creation of order from the chaos.
Because.
I am.
Divine.

Who created this chaos?
Some say it was me, my thoughts.
False beliefs, false perceptions.
Fears. Opinions. Habits.
Misinterpretations.
These are not of me.

I did not create that.
The false mind, the world-mind did.
I am not my body. 

I am not my world-mind. Not the ego mind.

Or false mind. The mind of vanity.
Of unbelief. Of darkness.

No. That is not me.

I am

Divine.
I am
Light.
I am
Intelligence.

I reside in truth;
In love.
My creations are divine.
The creator of the chaos is
The world-mind.
At odds with my true nature.

And because of the veil,

I became an innocent victim
Of its creations.
An innocent victim.
But not forever
A victim.

With a spark of knowing
Who I am,
I have power to choose.
To create.
And so
I stop.

I observe.
I still my mind.
And recognize what is not of me.
I take that chaos
And create.
Create order.

With the help
Of my creator.
My father.
This was His plan.
That I might know.
The good from the evil.

To know
The joy
Of my redemption.
To be like Him.
And so. I accept.
The ego, the false mind.

As my tutor.
My companion.
To reveal unto me.
To know good and evil.
The ego mind is a creator of chaos.
I am the creator of order.

Order out of the creations of ego.
The creation of chaos.
To choose my creations over its creations.
To choose truth. 
Which is the responsibility of the divine.

Let stillness guide
My mind that is me.
And see with clarity.
The ego; That false mind.
And overcome

That mind and it’s chaos.

With humility; In stillness.
Observing.
That I can be free.
To create.
Order. Beauty. Love.
In my full divinity.

Seek the Divine that is you!

Be the Divine that is you!

Hope on! Journey on!

Molly Grace Daniels