One feels betrayed and hateful to others.
I found this poem in a box containing the relatively few things left to remember by brother. It is written in his handwriting along with another poem in his handwriting and other precious things.
I do not know the author of the poem. I looked around the internet and could not find it there at all. The second poem was abundant on the internet with the author's name attached.
My brother had a way with words. He had an incredible way of connecting with people and he was simply hilarious. He was clever, quick-witted and quite intelligent. He had a very tender heart, always willing to help and a very hard worker. He died at the age of 36, having spent the majority of that time in juvenile detention, jail or prison or on parole, which is almost as confining. I would love to see the system actually help with rehabilitation. I am a fan of restorative justice. But I digress.
This poem stands out even more when you know his life's journey, his struggles and his heart. Most of the letters that I have received or seen written by him while he was incarcerated have a similar hopeful and positive feeling.
Could he have written this poem? Oh yes! Did he? We do not know. It could be that another inmate wrote it or that he found it in a book and wrote it down to keep and read anytime he needed the reminder. The 2nd poem certainly was powerful like this one. He did what he could to surround himself with things that were positive and gave him hope.
In some ways, I feel like mental illness is its own prison. It is easy to dwell on the dark clouds, anger and hopelessness. I mean, I was given a life sentence and I did nothing to cause it. I am a victim. However, I do not need to remain a victim. I can be victorious instead! That is the work of healing. That is choosing to find a way out of the dark and see the light and feel its warmth.
A lot of work a therapist does is focused on validating the feelings, pains and the reality of being a victim. The therapist stays present as they listen to the client, empathize with them, sit with them and give them a safe space and be a safe person.
Now, this is not all. Another part of the work is to help the client see the "fresh rain"; to share other ways of looking at something and to give tools to help as they learn how to manage their mental illness. They help the client find solutions and often the client finds those solutions right there inside of them.
I want to emphasize that I would never advocate for someone to ignore their feelings, rather they should notice them, acknowledge them, honor them, learn from them and then be free and wiser and have more empathy.
Too often though, we are too quick to see the bright side as we ignore the feelings or situation, sometimes stuffing them away. It is too painful of a place to go. Many numb them. The world tells us this is right. "Cowboy up!", "Don't be so sensitive." "Be positive." "Look at the bright side."
The problem with that is, the feeling or emotions will remain with them until they acknowledge them and learn from them and become a bit more whole. Until then, they will manifest in any number of ways. I do advocate for seeking the good and/or doing good in any given situation. You can be in prison and happy at the same time. You can grieve and offer a smile to someone who needs just that very thing, even if you do not know it. I also advocate for acceptance. Acceptance is the beginning of change. Accepting things you cannot change, brings change. Change in you. And that is like a stone dropped in the water with its rippling affect.
Being positive does not mean you have to be happy all of the time. It means that even on hard days, you know that better ones are coming. Being positive means doing your part and then trusting that whatever happens, it will be okay, whatever okay looks like. And we will not know what okay looks like until it comes. We are present in this moment rather than worrying or predicting the future. Being positive is having gratitude. If that is too big, you can look for three specific things you did that day that served some kind of good purpose or that you succeeded at. "Today, I got out of bed! I held my temper and did not say a word when that car pulled in front of me. I managed to get through the work day!”
Consider the poem again. Which person are you? Which person do you want to be? What made the difference between the two men? What can you do today to be a little more like that man you want to be?
This morning was not a good morning for me. I was very stressed, I woke up late, which means my children woke up late and almost missed the bus. I never made it to the much needed shower, showed up fifteen minutes late to my appointment, frazzled, embarrassed and complaining. When I looked out, all I could see were dark clouds and this prison and life sentence that I have been given. I was discouraged. I was weary and teary.
When I arrived at the appointment, I guess it was apparent I was stressed as I was asked if I was. Then I was listened to. And then it was gently suggested to me that I focus on gratitude so that I could get the most out of the reason I was there. I heeded that suggestion and the world changed. I still was late, I still was not showered, I still have a mental illness. I also got out of bed. I made it to the appointment. And I had a kind person that brought me to the appointment, even waiting in the driveway while I managed to get my things together and go.
I looked again. I am blessed and grateful for the opportunity to be at this particular appointment. I am blessed and grateful to have beautiful children who got ready in record time and made it on time while saying, "Good-bye mom. I love you. Have a good day." I was grateful for life and my journey and that I have others walking beside me along the way. I could go on and on. I am very grateful. Okay, one more. I am grateful for the kindness and patience at the office and the gentle suggestion to focus on gratitude. And grateful to be meek enough to heed the suggestion.
Which man in the poem am I? I am both. And I am growing and becoming evermore like the second one. I may not be able to choose if I am mentally ill. I can choose if I complain about it or do the hard work of healing and managing it. I can look for what I can do and did do, rather than what I did not. I can be grateful, for so many things. I can give myself time to process, be sad or grieve and then move forward. My answer is not in being happy every day or having all good days. My answer is in resilience!
The choice is mine. I am not alone. And today I loved dancing in the fresh rain. It is a much better way to live.
Hope on! Journey on!
Molly Grace Daniels
