SELF-CARE FIRST - WHERE IS MOLLY?

Just the other day someone asked me, "What's up?  I have not seen you around."

Well, I have not been myself lately. I have been transitioning some of my medications and it has been rough to say the least.  This is a change I asked for.  It has been more than I bargained for.  Self-care is a priority.  My silence has a reason. 

My hope and desire is to return to a better place than before I started these changes.  And before I started these changes, I was really in a great place!

I think the meme says it well! Currently I am in the messy middle, looking forward to the gorgeous end!

It was with the end in mind that I initiated this change with the encouragement of my health care providers. 

Today, I am just going to share some words borrowed from other people. I would love it if you would share in the comments any of these thoughts that resonate with you. Or maybe you have one of your own to share that gives hope, courage and strength for the journey.

 

I will end with some of my own words that I shared in my first post, "Welcome".

"I hope to share often. Self-care will come first. I make no guarantees or commitments in the frequency of my posts. Though I am passionate about this, I am also a bit fragile with my health. I have learned that something is better than nothing. And for too long I did nothing for fear of not doing enough, or being enough. I am enough and I now hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection. This is me."

Hope on! Journey on!

Molly Grace Daniels

I WILL LOVE YOU

Today, on the anniversary of this writing, I share with you my response to an unforeseen and deep betrayal, the result of which changed my entire family forever. Everything was different after that awful day and the days to follow. Today has been a day of reflection and sadness and a day of praise and triumph.

The words I wrote came from and speak of many years of heartache and trauma as a family with children with special needs, each with varying disabilities. These are invisible disabilities. These are children who look as whole as you and I. We need to look with more than our eyes. We need to understand with our hearts. 

The very people we needed help from and were in a place to be the help were often the people that would criticize, judge, hurt and traumatize our family. I have never been able to understand that.

This I do understand and I have learned: The world needs a whole lot less critics and a whole lot more cheerleaders. 

Caregivers, individuals with disabilities, the mentally ill, the marginalized - they all need people who understand, who believe them and help lift their burdens, whatever they may be. Being with them in a place of non-judgment and an open heart is one of the best things you can do.

The various experiences and traumas involved are not ones I want to rehearse here at this time.

This is, however, a look into my healing soul from many years ago. I had come a long way from where I once was - caught in fear and bitterness.

Love. Loving those who hurt me, my children, my family. Forgiving. Peace. These were all a process for me. They all are important to my journey. My journey led me to these places so that I could heal. 

This may not be the path for everyone. That is okay. In fact, I know for some, this notion of love after so much suffering at the hands of another is triggering and threatening. I honor and validate your journey to healing.  Loving and honoring yourself enough to do the hard work of healing takes courage. Love is still in the equation. Let that love make you free.

For me, on my journey, I have found that Love Never Fails. I am not talking about romantic love or dysfunctional love. I am talking about unconditional, brotherly love. Godly love. A love so powerful and vast, it carries with it healing, forgiveness and peace in the face of hurt, anger, loss and pain. It is a merciful love. It is the very essence of who we are and where we came from.

It is a love that cares about hearts and souls more than it cares about egos.

It is a love that has freed me over and over again. It is a love that saves.

Come what may, I am called to love and I am not alone in that journey. When loving seems too hard, that is when we need it the most. That is often when we turn to a source of strength beyond our own.

To my helpers, those who offered a helping hand and understanding heart, and loved me where I was at, I thank you. I love you!

To those who have forgiven me and love me when I have made mistakes, jumped to conclusions, assumed the worst, said the wrong thing, judged without cause or without mercy, thank you! Thank you for your forgiveness, for I am truly sorry. I love you! 

To those who have not forgiven me, please accept my humble apology.  May the grace of God hold you and carry you and heal any wounds that remain. May you feel the love I send to you. I love you!

And now a peek into my wounded and healing soul as I saw it years ago .......

I WILL LOVE YOU

I will love you even when you don't understand.

I will love you even when you say you understand and you don't.

I will love you when you accuse me.

I will love you when you gossip about me.

I will love you when you judge me wrong.

I will love you when you betray me.

And all the while I am loving you, I will do what I need to for my child. 

I am a trauma momma. I am a momma of a child formed in and born into trauma. I am a momma of a drug exposed child. I am a momma of a child with an intellectual disability. I am a momma of a child with mental illnesses. I am a momma of a child that needs love and understanding. I am a momma that needs love and understanding. 

I am a momma of one of God's precious spirits. He is His child first. So am I. And by His grace we will continue to love you even when loving you is hard.

**May love light your path and heal your heart.**

Hope On! Journey On!

Molly Grace Daniels